Category: Steve

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Poetry?

I just got back from a Peace Corps sponsored Wellness Weekend. There were volunteers from groups 47, 48 (my group), 49, and 50. At any given time there are 4 groups of Peace Corps Volunteers. The odd numbered groups are in the Community Economic Development (CED) and Community Health and HIV/AIDS Program (CHHAP) sectors. The even numbered groups are in the Secondary Upper Primary Education Project (SUPEP) sector. My group 48 are now considered the ‘Juniors’ since the Freshmen group 50 swore-in in October. Hard to believe as the time flies by.

Back to Wellness Weekend, it is a time to share and learn positive coping mechanisms to improve or maintain our physical and mental health. We were at Otjikoto Game Reserve which is part of B2Gold ‘s (a mining company) corporate social responsibility plan. They develop and maintain this game reserve to provide a natural environment for animals and are planting endangered native plants to ensure their continuity. They have permanent campsites and meeting areas for school groups and some nonprofit organizations.

We had sessions for yoga, nature walks, shadow boxing, making and sampling exfoliation scrubs and facial masks, meditation, creative writing, gratitude journaling, painting, coloring, and while doing all that we developed relationships, the ultimate self-care.

One of the exercises for creative writing was to write a short poem (@5 minutes) about “what love is” using the 5 senses. Poetry is not my thing, but I gave it a try. When I think of love, I think of Steve. One way he showed his love was by making sure my car was safe and ready for me to use. I have many memories of him checking and topping off my oil, adding air to my tires, changing belts, and who knows what all. My poem went like this:

My Man

My man smells of oil and gas
As he listens to my engine.

My man scrubs the grease and dirt
From his hands and arms after he fixes my engine.

My man enjoys the taste of the sweet iced tea
As I touch his sweaty neck.

As I shared my poem with the group, there were comments, “Oh my, my”, “uh,uh,uh” and things suggesting my poem was a little racy. I didn’t plan it, but I can see it now and it makes me smile.

All for now with all my love,

Ellen

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Circle of Life

Time to take Sam home and be with big sister, Avery, and brother, Mack

Catherine,post-Sam, looking beautiful

Catherine, pre-Sam, and looking beautiful

On Wednesday, March 27, our 9th grandchild, 5th grandson, Samuel Carter Bishop, came into the world. I say “our” because he is the 9th grandchild for Steve and me. If it weren’t for Steve, I wouldn’t have baby Sam in my life.

Steve and I had a blended family. Steve has 3 children and I have 2 sons from what we liked to call our “starter marriages”. The father of Sam is Justin, Steve’s youngest. Justin is 1 year and 2 days older than my oldest son, Joshua. They were almost 11 and 12 when we got married in 1987. Justin was very excited to have 2 younger brothers while Josh was not happy about this shift in ‘sibling’ order or being part of a blended family. It was a rocky start for our new family but after years of respecting feelings, not forcing unrealistic expectations, and just letting them know Steve and I were in it for the long haul and their conflicts would not change our commitment, the family really did blend.

Fast forward 30 plus years and Steve’s kids are my kids and my kids love and miss Steve as if he were their natural father. We all know we are here for each other when needed even though we are all very different and our lives may take us far from each other.

Now we have baby Sam. We are so happy to have this new life in our family. He doesn’t replace Steve or Gary, my daughter-in-law’s father who died last year, but he does complete the circle of life. We are born, we live, we die, another life is born, they live, they die and so it goes.

All for now with all my love

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Entered a New Country

Tomorrow it will be 18 months since Steve died. Today’s reading in “Healing After Loss, Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief” by Martha Whitmore Hickman included these lines about grief, “I have entered a new country. I will be patient with myself. I will look for companions for the way.” When I read that, I thought maybe that is why I am here. I figuratively “entered a new country” the moment Steve passed. The Peace Corps (PC) opportunity allowed me to literally enter a new country to deal with my grief.

It is not exactly dealing with my grief. It is giving me the time and space to make a new life without Steve. Granted, I will leave this new life when my 2 years of service are over. For some reason, it is important to me to know that I can serve others, that I can make friends, that I can make a life without Steve and without my existing support of family, friends, and church at home. Of course, this is not true because I have the support of all my family, friends, and church. However, they are not here physically.

I have the support of my Namily, including PC and new friends in my community. I am building these relationships on my own. I was not introduced to them by Steve, they don’t know my family, I did not meet them at my friend’s house or at my church.

“I have entered a new country. I will be patient with myself. I will look for companions for the way.”

All for now with all my love

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God winks/Steve winks

During our Braii (BBQ), at my host family’s house, last Saturday evening, they started playing several Vince Gill songs and then other country songs by older artists such as Chet Atkins. I really couldn’t believe these would be in their playlist. If you knew Steve, you knew how much he liked country music and particularly these artists. I shared this with my family at home and my niece called it a God wink letting me know Steve is with me in spirit. I love that, and I got more this week.

Our 31st wedding anniversary would have been last Wednesday, September 19 so Steve was on my mind even more than usual. My host family mom and I have been watching the sunset, so I went to the porch to join her. As I looked out for the sun, I noticed a small yellow rose bud on the plant in her yard. It is a miracle the plant can survive, let alone bloom, in this dry soil and afternoon heat. Yellow roses are my favorite and Steve gave them to me almost every anniversary. I call that another wink from Steve/God, they are both with me.

All for now, with all my love

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My Buddy

The photo is from a couple years ago when Steve and I visited our son, Sal, in Germany. We took a Sound of Music tour in Salzburg, Austria. This is the place where the kids rode their bikes, dressed in clothes sewn from curtains, learning Do-Re-Me. We did our own rendition.

May through July has been a whirlwind of activity as I prepare for my Peace Corps service which starts on August 13, 2018. Following Peace Corps’ advice, I have spent lots of time with family and friends and also getting my affairs in order to be away for 2 years. However, I am still very much grieving. We honored the first year anniversary of my husband, Steve’s, death on July 19th. Throughout these weeks/months, I have made time and allowed myself to cry and continue grieving for Steve. When I was out of town, I tried to walk every day by myself. This was my reflection time. As excited as I am to teach in Namibia, I still miss Steve so much. My heart is raw and tears are just under the surface. I laugh, I do things, I enjoy being with friends and family but there is a piece missing and it is Steve. It is so hard to imagine life without him but here I am. I think this will be a common theme for a long time, maybe forever – how much I miss Steve.