These have been melancholy days starting with Thanksgiving. I have been good about having a plan or mentally preparing myself for days that may be difficult such as our anniversary or Steve’s birthday. I will celebrate Thanksgiving with all the PCVs in this region next Saturday, so I did not plan anything for the actual day. It wasn’t so much about Steve this time, it was ‘why am I here?’
Life is different, I walk everywhere, to school, to get groceries or other shopping, to check my PO box. There are no screens on my windows and it is too hot to close them, so I sweep and dust the debris every day and deal with bees and mosquitoes (topic for another post). However, I live in a relatively modern home, in a relatively affluent town and I am working at one of the top government schools in the country. So, ‘why am I here?’ was on my mind.
I was also missing my family and friends that know me, that know my sense of humor, know when I am just being goofy and trying to make them laugh. I am grateful for my fellow PCVs that I got to know during training, my housemates are very welcoming, and I am developing friendships with colleagues. However, friendships take time to develop and even longer when there is a language barrier. No one in this country really knows me and it is because I am who I am which is pretty guarded. People generally like me, they trust me, but I am not the life of the party, I am older than most of my acquaintances, and I imagine that I am a bit dull. So again, ‘why am I here?’
I was also thinking about teaching in January. Will I be an effective teacher? Will the learners understand me? Will I understand them? The good teachers I know and remember put their heart and soul into teaching. Will I do that?
This has truly been a time of doubt for me but NOT a change of my resolve. I am here because my belief in the Peace Corps mission and goals remains the same. I am committed to completing my service. I am here because this is where I have been asked to serve. This community wants and needs me. I am here because I want to be here.
I’ve included a few random photos. One the daily assembly but this is after the 10 and 12 graders have completed their exams and are no longer at school. I can’t believe that some learners where sweaters and vests and they leave them on even when the temperature risen to 33C (91F). Also, can you believe Black Friday is a thing here?
All for now, with all my love
Where's GranEllen? 
Hi friend,
I can only imagine you feel a bit melancholy. I’m so invigorated reading your posts as I know this is what you want, you are wanted, and you will do a great job! Friendships are definitely superficial for quite some time as the circumstances have to unfold to let you tell your story (ies) and others to do the same. I have faith in you, girl!
Happy holiday season in Namibia😊
-Lisa
Lisa Newman, MSPH
Senior Research Epidemiologist
Biostatistics & Epidemiology Division
RTI International
6110 Executive Blvd, Suite 900
Rockville, MD 20850
Phone: 301-230-4652
lnewman@rti.org
LikeLike
Hi Lisa, good to hear from you! I am doing well, I recognize that some emotional ups and downs are perfectly normal, ride it out, find healthy diversions, and stay the course. I feel much better.
LikeLike
It is the Monday after Thanksgiving and I too am at work, wondering why I am here, but for very different reasons. Here in central Pa, most everything is shut down for the first day of deer hunting season. Your post today echos the struggles of many peace corps volunteers, so don’t worry, you are normal. My daughter is an introvert too and she was often alone in her thoughts in a little rustic shed she called home. I am thinking of serving too, and being lonely is one of the things I worry about. So…find something you enjoy there, and your true self will shine. Keep on writing and let more people know about your blog.
LikeLike
I have family in central and NE PA and know all about hunting season. Thank you for your encouragement.
LikeLike
We are rooting for you Ellen! Know that we carry you in our heart and we are holding you up during low times.
Love,
Kim
LikeLike
Ellen, I can only imagine how it feels for everything and everyone to be new to you. I’m in awe of your adventurous spirit, but also your self-awareness and openness. Praying that you will feel surrounded by the love of your faraway friends, and that, in time, your new friends will come to truly know you. They are so lucky. XO
LikeLike
Hi Kim, I am grateful for so much support from so many people. Feeling low, missing home is part of the journey but it passes. I feel much, much better especially after getting caught in the middle of a much needed rain storm yesterday. For some reason, it just made me smile and feel very free after getting soaked.
LikeLike
Ellen, I am sure I would feel a bit of “down “ also if I were in your place, all the busyness before then getting situated, now reality setting of this is where I am for 2 years, and back home all my old friends and family are eating turkey and planning Christmas shopping. Singing a blues song. But you can do this, we are loving you and praying you will soon be so busy teaching you won’t have much time for singing the blues. Tish
LikeLike
Thank you, friend. It helps knowing I have so many supporters…and a strong faith in God!
LikeLike
Ellleeeeen!
I can hear you talking as I read this.
I am saddened to hear of your ponderings and doubts but I thank you for sharing. I hope it is therapeutic to put these thoughts to paper.
You, my friend, are awesome. You are currently planting friendship seeds. And you plant acorns for friendship seeds that may take time to develop but boy are they strong friendships when given that time.
Everyone who reads your blog knows that you are a gift to all of us and for the next couple of years, a great gift to the people of Namibia.
You will do wonderful things there, Ellen.
Your faith will lead you and your acorn/oak friendships will come to fruition there over time.
Remember the words of another great traveler doing God’s work and writing (blogs?) letters. As Paul wrote to the Philippians in PHIL 4:6-9, you are in good Hands. Listen to Paul.
You got this, girl!
With our love from Tucker,
Bill & Michelle
LikeLike
So good to hear from you Bill! I love that scripture but I am not always great at living it because I have a tendency to worry. However, I also have a great faith and know things will be ok, ultimately. I love how supported I am and how so many (not just in the blog comments) have reached out to me after this post. The blog is as much for me as for others to follow me. I am a mostly positive person but I struggle like everyone else. Just keeping it real from the Land of the Brave.
LikeLike
Oh, Ellen. I do love a good existential question and I’m sure that pondering them in a foreign land is all the more disorienting. Sitting on this side of the globe, you must know how fearless you seem, brave and full of courage to face all that you are facing. I love to hear about your travels, and your inner-most thoughts. What a gift for you to be sharing it with us all. Sending much love from our family.
LikeLike
Thank you, Alana. I am in a much better state of mind. I am having dinner with other PCVs that are in town early for our Friendsgiving on Saturday. I had my Afrikaans lesson today. Life is good.
LikeLike